Remind me not of what I've lost
by freakybanana
Summary: Post 5x09. It's not about what you've lost - it's about what you've gained. No longer a one-shot. Trying to fill in the blanks between 5x09 and 5x10.
1. An emotional investment

**Disclaimer**: _I own nothing but my own interpretation and the following words to express them. Oh, and whatever mistakes I've made. Author's note at the end._

* * *

The moment she opened her front door, the first thing Maura's brain registered was the smell of food. More precisely, a home cooked meal in the making. There was no mistaking it. Ever since Angela moved into the guest house and were allowed to use Maura's kitchen as much as she liked, these smells were known to greet her at all times of the day. Always welcomed, but especially after a long day at work - like now. She allowed herself a moment to take in the smell as she closed the door behind her.

"Angela, it smells wonderful!" She exclaimed as she made her way into the kitchen. Angela however, was nowhere to be seen.

Making a quick sweep of her surroundings to make sure she hadn't missed anything, she proceeded to make sure nothing was out of the ordinary with the food itself. The oven revealed a lasagna, the counters were clean, there was garlic bread waiting to be eaten, just as she suspected. A freshly tossed salad in a ceramic bowl, two glasses, and a bottle of wine - not yet opened.

"Angela?" It was not like Angela to not busy herself around the kitchen even when things seemed to be ready. That woman always found something extra to add, or would at times enjoy just watching the meal ready itself. To Maura, something felt out of place.

"Hey! You're back early?" Maura turned at the sound of Jane's voice, clutching a hand to her chest.

"Oh! You scared me... Indeed I am." She smiled.

"How was your day?" Jane asked.

"Surprisingly slow."

"What, no murders once I'm off the street for a few days?"

"You know, one would think the rate would go up. That is, if people were aware that Boston's finest detective was off the streets. But, no... No autopsies of a suspicious nature today. Haven't had one of those in a while."

The compliment wasn't lost on Jane, and she allowed herself the satisfaction of a smirk to go with it. A self satisfied smirk that wasn't lost on Maura.

"Maybe word does get around." Jane quipped. "Or... we just jinxed it. Quick. Let's eat before you get called to a scene." She made her way to the kitchen.

"Where's Angela?"

Half-way to retrieving a the freshly made lasagna from the oven, Jane turned to her with a curious look. "Ma? She's spending the day with TJ remember. Wouldn't shut up about it last night?"

Maura's confusion grew. "Oh. Yes, I remember." Her eyes followed the lasagna as it was positioned on the counter, steam wafting into the air, spreading the smell around. She caught Jane's gaze, looking rather.. what was that?

She shook her head. "I just assumed." Gesturing to the tasty lasagna now just moments away from being consumed by her taste buds. "That."

Jane smiled at her expectantly. "**You**. Maura Isles, **assumed** that this home cooked meal came from the hands of Angela Rizzoli?"

"Uhm. Yes?" Maura felt her voice reach a higher pitch than usual, and didn't quite manage to stop it in time. Before she could get into the multitude of questions currently in her head, Jane started laughing. A truly genuine laughter that warmed Maura's heart.

"Wait." She held a hand up. "Are you saying this wonderfully smelling home cooked meal is not your mother's doing?"

"Uh-huh."

"But... Jane?"

"I can't cook?"

"Exactly!"

"And how **exactly** do you know that?" Jane tried schooling her features, not wanting to show exactly how much she was enjoying this.

Speechless for all of 5 seconds, Maura stepped towards the counter, bent over and allowed her nostrils to take in the smell of lasagna. Using her hands to direct the smell to prove her point, she inhaled while closing her eyes.

"This... this smells just like Angela's lasagna."

"You're deflecting."

Maura stood up straight, aiming an almost believable appalled look at Jane. "I am not!"

"And now you're flustered because you got caught assuming."

"I am not!" There was that higher pitch again. Damn.

Unable to contain her laughter any longer, Jane let it out. Maura joined in seconds later.

"Can we just eat?" Jane asked, sobering up.

"You actually made this?" Maura could no longer contain her bewilderment.

"Hey. Leave me alone hanging around here, being bored and frustrated for too long..."

"I'm sorry. I don't mean to be acting so surprised that you are able to cook. It's just... I wasn't expecting this, Jane." She clutched both palms to her chest to show her sincerity.

"Ma's recipe. I just followed instructions. **That** surprised me too." Jane gestured towards the table, where everything was prepped for a home cooked meal to be enjoyed by two people. "Sit."

Not knowing what to say, Maura simply followed instructions and approached the dining room table dutifully. Noticing the missing glasses, and suddenly remembering where she'd seen such glasses she made to turn around back towards the kitchen.

"Got it!" Jane exclaimed behind her. She turned around to see Jane approaching with two glasses filled with red wine. She sat them down at their designated places, and shuffled straight back to the kitchen. Not wanting to interfere in Jane's obvious control of things, Maura took a seat in the chair that gave her a clear view of how Jane seemed to be just that. In control. The mood felt light, something which she hadn't expected to come home to on a day like today.

As the lasagna was put in place, salad bowl brought over, and Jane approaching with the bread - Maura allowed her shoulders to drop. Thoughts of glaring similarities between mother and daughter was at the forefront of her mind, but she chose to keep them to herself. Instead she smiled expectantly and fondly at Jane as she took her seat at the other side of the table.

"You haven't tasted it yet, so keep the surprise under wraps, okay?" Jane chuckled uncomfortably.

"There is no way something that smells this exquisite tastes less than that." was Maura's reply, which seemed to loosen Jane up slightly.

"We're about to find out if that hypothesis is correct Doctor Isles. So dig in."

* * *

"Mmm. That was delicious." Dabbing the corners of her mouth with a napkin, Maura was no longer surprised. She was in awe.

"I'm glad. More wine?" Jane was about to stand.

"Wait." Maura put a hand to Jane's forearm which prompted her to sit back down. She directed a questioning look toward her friend.

"You're supposed to be resting, Jane. Let me get it."

As Maura went to get more wine, Jane was transported back to reality. It didn't go unnoticed when Maura returned. Topping up Jane's glass, then her own, she sat back down.

"So, how was your day? I mean... besides this." She gestured to the table.

Jane sighed. "Boring."

"If this is what happens when you're bored, I certainly don't mind." Maura laughed, but in solitude.

The room suddenly felt too quiet for Maura, so she kept on. "I really didn't expect this, and as much as I'm thrilled and very well fed..." Another brief laugh. "What I really need is for **you** to be okay."

Jane glanced up at Maura. "It was terrible."

Maura assessed the situation. "No. This was wonderful, Jane!"

"Not the meal.. Just.. Today." She sighed. "Terrible."

"What did you do?"

Jane turned her attention towards the couch in the living room. "I sat here. Staring at the wall, at the TV, at some of the magazines on your desk." She looked back at Maura, and whispered "Magazines that are not easy to digest." out of the corner of her mouth.

"I don't know. I'm not made for this, sitting around doing nothing." She picked at some remaining lettuce on her plate. "At one point I actually considered watching some of the stuff you have on your DVR."

Maura knew what that meant. Hours of documentaries or obscure movies that were not at all to Jane's standards of a good time. If not that, then she herself would have to endure hours of teasing due to some of the less than obscure choices that had made their way to her DVR over time.

"Anything to stop thinking." Jane's voice sounded hollow in the otherwise quiet room. Maura felt the need for a change of scenery.

"Let me clear the table. You go sit down, make yourself comfortable. I have some frozen yogurt in the freezer?" She looked for approval in Jane's eyes.

"Thanks." Jane muttered, and emptied her wine glass before making her way to the couch. She turned the TV off mute, and got situated. The sound of cheery commercials filled the room.

* * *

With everything cleared away, and with two bowls of frozen yogurt in hand, Maura got situated next to Jane. She handed one bowl over to Jane, who seemed startled at first, clearly engrossed in the screen before her.

"What are we watching?"

"Uhm." Jane, took a moment to think while taking the first scoop of her dessert. "Another re-run of Two and a Half Men."

"Seen a lot of those today?" Maura asked.

"Yeah."

"Say what you will about Charlie Sheen, but the show isn't the same without him." Maura stated.

"Yeah."

They sat in silence, eating their dessert and watching seemingly humorous moments appear before them on TV. The only laughter was from an audience no one could see.

With half of her bowl remaining, Jane set it on the table and dropped her head back, stretching her long legs to rest on the coffee table. She reached for the remote situated between them on the couch, and muted the TV. Maura straightened her posture.

"I just wanted to do something nice for you." Jane started.

Maura allowed the remainder of the taste of chocolate make it's way down her throat before setting her bowl next to Jane's. She kept her eyes on the quiet TV.

"It was very nice. You really are full of surprises."

Aiming the remote at the TV, Jane once again let the sound of laughter float through the speakers before muting it again.

The absurdity of it all hit Maura, and she couldn't help the chuckle that escaped. When the silence hit her again, she turned on the couch, propping her left leg beneath her. She graced her fingertips over the couch cushion next to Jane's shoulder.

"Do you want to talk about it?" She attempted.

Jane sighed, and unmuted the TV again to have another piece of perfected laughter hit the speakers.

"Jane."

The laughter died out and was replaced by dialogue that was meant to create more laughter. Jane muted the TV instantly. She dropped the remote on the couch, and closed her eyes.

"I wish I could talk about it." Jane's voice sounded meek. "Truth is, I don't even know where to begin."

"Just say whatever comes to mind. There's no right or wrong." Maura attempted to reassure.

Jane kept her eyes closed, brows furrowed. "It hadn't hit me yet, you know? I hadn't seen it yet, hadn't really felt it yet - except the nausea."

"Which was an inconvenience." Maura added.

"Yeah." Jane rubbed her palms together, feeling how clammy they were.

"I feel..." She cleared her throat. "I feel guilty."

Maura sat up straighter, and put her palm on Jane's thigh for comfort. "Jane. You saved Tasha."

Jane shook her head. "No. Not that. I know I did what I'm trained to do, and I know what happened was a result of that."

"Then what?" Maura asked, attempting to keep Jane going.

"You were all so excited. You, Ma, Frankie, Tommy, Korsak... You were all so excited for this. For ME." Jane croaked.

Maura put her palm on top of Jane's hands. Hands that were closed together, guarding her. To stop her, or assure her - she wasn't sure. Jane noticed, and let out a sigh of frustration. She opened her eyes, and angled her head to peer up at Maura's expecting gaze.

"I wasn't excited about it yet. And now..." She bit her lower lip, trying to stop it from trembling. "Now it's gone." Jane let out a puff of air, clearly frustrated of not being able to control the tears that were gathering in her eyes. She looked to the ceiling. Not wanting to draw attention to it, she allowed the tears to trickle freely down the side of her face, towards her ears. Maura felt a sudden urge to stop them in their path, but grasped Jane's hands instead.

"That's not something feel guilty about, Jane. It's normal. Why do you think humans have nine months to prepare themselves?"

"I dunno." came the whispered reply.

Maura kept a firm hold on Jane's closed hands, while tracing her fingers gently across Jane's shoulder. Soothing patterns, that with every stroke allowed tears to flow more freely from Jane's eyes. Gently trickling down towards her ears, finding their paths towards the couch beneath that soaked them up. One by one. Jane didn't make a sound, except the gentle subdued sound of breathing. Maura was mesmerized by the peace of it all. The quiet grief, the body's ability to rid itself of pain in such a beautiful way. The ability to watch it up close like this made her own eyes fill up with moisture.

Then two eyes were peering up at her. Seeing her tears as they started their own path, slowly down her left cheek, then her right. When Jane freed her right hand to brush away her own tears, Maura could have sworn she felt something swipe her own cheeks. She smiled, and let her head fall to the back of the couch, keeping her eyes locked with Jane's.

"I didn't mean to make you cry." Jane said. Her voice stronger.

"You didn't. I'm more than capable of doing that myself." Maura kept smiling. She got a sad smile in return.

"You were excited about it weren't you?" There was pity in Jane's eyes.

"Of course." Maura allowed a lone finger to redirect the freshest tears, keep them from trickling down her cheeks. She blinked to squeeze out as much as possible. ".. but it wasn't happening to me, so it was easier. To be excited."

Jane turned her head towards the ceiling again. "Yeah."

Maura took a chance. "You didn't let anyone down."

Jane chuckled, as if she somehow knew that was coming. She felt Maura's fingertips on her shoulder, her own clammy palms rubbing against each other in her lap. Maura grasped them to still them, and she acquiesced. Another puff of air came from her lungs, to signal that it was understood. In it's void was a numbness that felt welcoming.

They didn't exchange another word for at least 5 minutes. Both content to just sit there, and allow thoughts to flow freely. Thoughts that, to Jane, were starting to at least organize themselves in clusters.

"Do you think Tasha will be okay?" Jane's voice broke through the silence, almost startling Maura who lifted her head from its resting place on the back of the couch.

"I think her chances have greatly improved. She's clearly a very bright and capable girl, who now has a support system put in place to help her. You made sure of that."

Jane cast a quick glance towards Maura, then redirected her gaze towards the ceiling.

"I'm going to have lunch with her when she's gotten situated at Gwen's."

Maura smiled at that. "I'm sure she'd be thrilled to see you again, Jane."

"Not half as thrilled as I'm gonna be." Maura could actually hear the thrill in Jane's voice.

"Oh, I wouldn't be so sure about that. She seems quite fond of you. I think you've gotten yourself a new fan." Maura chuckled.

Jane turned her head, catching the joy in Maura's eyes.

"You mean gotten myself **a** fan." Jane quipped, smiling to show she was at least half joking.

"No. One of many, I'm sure. With Tasha there's at least more than one. That I know of. Anything outside of that requires more research, you know that." To accentuate her point, Maura poked Jane's shoulder.

"Aww. Is one of my fans a doctor?"

"Yes, she is." Maura beamed.

Jane laughed, and sobered up within seconds. She sat up, and took her feet off the coffee table. Maura watched her back hunch forward when she brought her elbows to her knees. She cleared her throat.

"I guess I'm all set then. A doctor and a future doctor as my fans."

"You'd be well taken care of, that's for sure." Maura attempted to lighten the mood as she felt it shifting again.

"Lord knows I'll probably need it." With that Jane rose, reached for her half empty bowl, and trudged off to the kitchen. Maura chose to stay put, although she knew the last statement was something she ought to address. Having spent hours in the hospital with Angela, having felt her worry as well as her own, she knew that Jane's tendency to be put in life threatening situations was a source of guilt on both sides. Not one that Jane would ever admit to having, but Maura knew it was there. The memories of her conversations with Angela had been on her mind frequently since Jane woke up.

Moments later she felt more than heard Jane's presence behind the couch.

"I think I'm going to bed." Jane's voice sounded weak in the otherwise silent room. It somehow fitted. Maura turned around to address her, but felt herself unable to form a simple reply when she saw Jane's posture. Slouching her shoulders as if to protect herself, long arms hanging loosely at her sides. Maura noticed that sleep was needed, but doubted it would be enough.

"Are you okay?"

Jane looked at her, trying to muster up a sincere smile. "Yeah, just tired." She gestured in the direction of the guest room. "So I'm gonna..."

Maura rose from the couch. "Of course." She smiled at Jane. "Thank you for a wonderful night. The meal, the wine, the company. It was lovely." She wanted to add how unnecessary it was, and how she shouldn't have overexerted herself, but stopped at the last minute.

Jane nodded. "Sure. Good night." She turned on her heel, starting towards the guest room.

Almost out of sight, Maura made one last attempt. "Jane?"

"Yeah?" Jane hesitated, but didn't turn around. Judging by the tightness of her voice she was fighting tears. A lump formed in her own throat.

"If you need anything, anything at all... Please come find me." It hadn't meant to come out as a plea, but there it was.

She watched as Jane lifted her arm in an awkward sort of wave, somehow signalling that the message was received.

"Good night, Jane." Maura muttered to herself when Jane was out of sight. She slumped back down to the couch, suddenly feeling completely drained. She mindlessly reached for the half empty bowl on the coffee table, but decided against it. It could wait. She leaned back and closed her eyes, attempting to take deep steadying breaths to center herself. She tried to force her mind upon images of sea breeze, waves crashing against rocks, long green fields, endless roads, but nothing stuck. All she could see clearly for more than ten seconds was an image of her friend, curled together in a ball on the far left side of her own king sized guest bed. Shaking. Alone.

In an attempt to distract herself, she gathered the bowl from the coffee table and brought it to the kitchen. Instead of rinsing it, she simply left it sitting in the sink filled with water. Taking a look around she noticed everything else was as it should be. Clean, and organized, except the throw blanket draped crookedly over the back of the couch. The sight of it made her feel empty. Deciding not to dwell on that particular thought, Maura climbed the stairs towards her bedroom. She doubted she would be getting any sleep, especially this early, but she could at least lie down. Perhaps read a book, force her mind to focus on something.

Deciding to give herself some comfort, she ran herself a soothing bath first. Before getting in, she purposely left the door to both the bathroom and bedroom slightly ajar, should Jane come looking for her. Trying to relax by inhaling the scents filling the room, she closed her eyes and rested her head at the back of the tub. Tonight though, the operative word was definitely trying, and Maura sighed. She gave it a couple of minutes more, but decided that tonight was not one of those nights where soaking in the bathtub served as a stress reliever.

Dried, moisturized, and dressed in her finest silk pajamas, Maura sat at the edge of her bed contemplating going downstairs to at least check on Jane. She ran her feet in circles on the carpet, suddenly aware of how cold they were. She briefly wondered if Jane wore her socks to bed tonight, to at least ensure that part of her was comfortable. Shaking her head at herself she got up and padded towards the dresser, looking for a pair of socks. Preferably the plush, thick, and warm kind. Opening the drawer, she froze.

Partly covered by a silk scarf that wasn't meant to be there at all - clearly she had forgotten to hang it in its designated place - was a rectangular box. Flat, with a green ribbon indicating its gifting purpose. Her mind flashed back to that day last week, where her late afternoon impromptu shopping adventure brought her into contact with something she couldn't say no to. She took the scarf out of the drawer and draped it over a nearby chair, mentally reminding herself to hang it where it belonged tomorrow. It looked perfect. The lady at the store had asked her who it was for, and after Maura had told her the story, she had insisted that the wrapping should match the contents. So the ribbon was not only green, but had a silver lining, in perfect contrast to the otherwise plain white box. A box that was clearly of high quality.

She lifted the box, looked at it from all angles, and gently put it on the bed. She sat beside it for a minute, taking it in. Thinking about how she, the woman who was always afraid to plan events down to details in fear of being let down, had spent the ten minute drive from the store to her house thinking about when the perfect opportunity would be. She sighed, put a hand to her chest to verify that her heart was indeed beating more rapidly than normal, and gently lifted the lid. The first thing that caught her eyes was a small envelope, in which she knew there was a small card she hadn't yet written anything on. The fact that she hadn't found the right thing to write, and had put it on hold until she would, suddenly made her chest tighten.

Pulling the envelope between two fingers, she lifted it, and made sure it was placed neatly beside her on the bed. When she caught sight of a simple embroidered letter in a silvery kind of grey, she felt the tears coming. Hastily wiping them away with the back of her hand, she took a deep breath and lifted the item from the box, holding it out in front of her. Before her was the blurry sight of a tiny green onesie, with the words "Mommy loves me" embroidered inside a heart in a darker shade of green. Swallowing hard to prevent an eruption of emotions she wasn't prepared for, she laid the small item down on the bed, stroking her palms across it to get rid of any wrinkles that had formed during its confinement in a box. She traced the letters with the pad of her index finger, allowing tears to flow freely to clear her vision. She had taken one look at it back at the store, and immediately her mind was made up. She had reminded herself at the time, that although it was probably too early, she simply could not let it get away from her. She smiled through her tears when she realized that she was still happy about that decision.

Fetching a tissue from the nearby nightstand, she rid herself of any tears that might fall down and ruin the item before her. She folded the onesie back into a rectangular shape, and laid it gently back in the box. It appeared untouched. Satisfied, she did the same with the envelope. Before laying the lid back on the box, she peered inside and whispered "I'm sorry. Your time has yet to arrive, but don't worry - you are timeless."

Moments later she was standing on a step ladder in the walk-in closet, placing the gift box on a top shelf surrounded by other timeless items with significant value. Whether or not it would ever be touched by the hands of someone else or even worn, she didn't know.

Whatever happened in the future, Maura vowed that it would always serve as a reminder of the significant investment she had made, both financially, but most of all emotionally.

* * *

**Author's note:** _5x09 was one of those episodes that served up a myriad of settings/scenes/situations/emotions between the lines. I wanted to expand upon it. Instead of forcing them to have a lengthy emotional talk simply to get it done, I wanted it to happen according to how I see these characters on my TV. Feedback is, as always, greatly appreciated._


	2. A seemingly uneventful day

**Author's note**: _This was originally intended as a one-shot, but since there was an obvious space between 5x09 and 5x10 I decided to keep on trying to fill in the blanks. Thanks to those who reviewed/favorited, and to the followers: You apparently knew something I didn't at the time, so thanks for that. This is actually my first time venturing outside the comforts of a one-shot. I'm already working on Chapter 3, most likely the story will be 3 or 4 chapters long. _

_Feedback is, as always, much appreciated._

* * *

Sleep had been restless, but by the time the alarm went off Maura was grateful more than anything. Before taking a shower, she peaked her head out the bedroom door to listen for signs of life downstairs. She could make out the faint sounds that were always there, the kind you didn't realize were there until the power went out. The rest was as quiet as Maura wished her mind to be. She proceeded to take a quick shower, before she went about getting ready for the day.

By the time Maura appeared in the kitchen that morning, no one would even suspect she had experienced a restless night. Upon hearing her approach, Jane turned from her position hunched over the kitchen island nursing her first cup of coffee.

"Good morning." Jane's voice sounded almost cheerful, something that took Maura by surprise.

"Good morning, Jane." Maura exclaimed, and made her way to stand beside her. She put her hand at Jane's back, giving it a quick rub up and down before resting it at Jane's shoulder. A shoulder that didn't seem tense, Maura noted. Standing so close to the smell wafting from Jane's coffee cup however, gave her the push she needed to continue her morning routine. She proceeded quietly, content to let Jane be awakened by caffeine while she got ready.

"How did you sleep?" Maura asked, while pouring a generous serving of 2% milk in her coffee.

Jane, mindlessly watching Maura's actions, suddenly looked up. "Fine. I think. No... good actually." She pushed herself away from the island and stretched her arms above her head, yawning.

Maura couldn't stop the smile on her face, and the warm familiar feeling that followed. Taking a moment to really look at Jane, she seemed to be well rested, although looking at her eyes there was no denying that the night hadn't started out that way.

"I owe you a couple containers of Kleenex though." Jane stated, as if they were discussing dinner arrangements.

"Oh." Maura breathed, feigning surprise. "Consider it a get well present."

Jane smiled at that. "Thanks. That's very thoughtful of you."

Maura tilted her head in understanding. "There's more in the bathroom. Bottom shelf under the sink."

"I know. There's like 15 left under there." Jane said followed by a chuckle.

"I like to be prepared."

"That, you do." Jane quipped.

Maura retrieved some greek yogurt from the fridge, and carried on with her usual breakfast routine, while Jane silently watched. She sprinkled a ready-made mix of dried blueberries and grains on top of it, then suddenly caught Jane paying very close attention.

"Do you want some?" Maura asked.

Taking another look at Maura chosen breakfast, then her coffee cup, Jane shrugged. "I'm good."

"It would be rude of me not to ask, since you're a guest in my house, but I'm sure Angela has something planned for you. Something less... " she gestured to her breakfast "healthy."

Jane laughed.

As if on cue, the sound of Angela's voice came in through the back door. "Good morning my beautiful girls!"

As Angela approached the kitchen, Jane and Maura simply looked at each other trying not to laugh at Angela's usual timing.

"Morning Ma." A greeting that rewarded Jane with a kiss to the cheek, and another back rub.

"Good morning, Angela." Maura was rewarded with the same kiss to the cheek, and the warm feeling from earlier returned.

Angela stopped and looked at Jane. "Pancakes?"

The grin on Jane's face could not be misinterpreted and Angela went to work. Maura took a seat on the stool next to Jane's so they could watch the woman in action together. She dug into her own breakfast, in that way Maura Isles digs in. By taking a tea spoon and gently allowing it to fill with greek yogurt and just the perfect amount of healthy topping to assure there is enough left for the spoons to come.

Angela turned back to the two women, and eyed Maura's breakfast sceptically. "Should I make some for you too?"

In the process of chewing, Maura shook her head in the negative before replying. "No thank you. This is all I've got time for, Angela."

As Angela returned to the stove, Jane looked at Maura with trepidation. "Are you in a hurry?"

"Yes, I'm scheduled to be in court at 11, and have a few things I need to look over and prepare in advance. I thought I'd make an early start."

"Kleinman case?" Jane asked.

Maura smiled. "Yes."

When Maura left it at that, Jane couldn't help but to pry. "And?"

"And? It's all under control, just making sure I haven't forgotten something."

"When have you ever forgotten something?" It warmed Maura's heart when Jane complimented her with such subtlety.

"The past, the present, and the future are entirely different concepts. The fact that I've rarely forgotten something in the past does not in any way assure that I won't forget something today." Maura stated.

"Still." Jane muttered, staring at her mother's back.

Maura swallowed the remainder of her breakfast, and stood up. She gave Jane's shoulder a reassuring squeeze. "You'll be fine."

Jane looked up with fear in her eyes, pleading. "Can I come with you?"

Maura squeezed again for good measure, and laughed. "I'm afraid not."

* * *

As the door shut behind Maura, Jane let out a sigh. It was quickly forgotten however, when a plate of steaming hot pancakes appeared before her eyes. "Thanks, Ma."

Angela was content to simply stand there and watch Jane eat her pancakes. She made no comment when Jane all but drowned them in syrup, just as she made no comment when Jane pushed her empty cup of coffee forward on the island signalling a refill. A refill she got instantly.

Feeling her stomach gradually filling up with such heavy food, Jane slowed down, taking smaller bites.

"So, how was your day with TJ?"

Angela hesitated. "Good. We had a lot of fun. How was your day? I'm so sorry I couldn't stay with you yesterday, Jane. It's just that... I had promised Tommy, and he didn't want to upset Lydia by cancelling... I'm sure she would find a way to keep TJ from him if that were to happen." Angela rambled on.

"I know, Ma. Honestly, it's fine. I had an uneventful day. You know... relaxing." The last part was as unconvincing to Jane as it was to Angela.

"What did you do?"

She hesitated. "Relaxed, you know... So, has TJ grown a lot since I saw him?"

Angela's eyes lit up. "Oh baby, he's growing up to be such a cute little boy. Reminds me more and more of Tommy. You should have se..." she stopped.

Jane stared blankly at her mother. "Seen him?" She filled in.

Angela hesitated, then reached for Jane's plate. "Yes. Are you finished?"

"Yeah, I don't think my stomach can take anymore."

"Oh, was it too much? Are you in pain? Are you going to be sick?"

"I'm fine." Jane grumbled.

"Are you sure? What can I get you?"

"MA!" Jane's hand came down with force on the kitchen island.

Angela froze. Jane wiped a hand down the side of her face, exhaling shakingly. "Sorry." she muttered.

"It's okay, baby. I just want to take care of you."

"I know..." Jane sighed.

Angela continued clearing the island of any evidence of breakfast, while Jane silently retreated to Maura's couch.

* * *

Approaching 2 PM Jane had exhausted every damn magazine in Maura's house. The one's she understood at least. She slammed the last cause of her discomfort on the table and groaned. "I don't understand how **anyone** can find this interesting."

Angela peered up from her knitting, having decided that it was best to allow Jane some peace, while she kept watch from a nearby chair. She chuckled. "Wait until you get to my age Jane, you start realizing that you should have paid more attention to beauty tips when you were young."

"Ha ha."

"What? It's true."

Jane opened her mouth, but decided that the only thing more pointless than reading about beauty tips, was discussing them with your mother. She slung her feet off the couch, and sat up. She fingered the edges of the blanket still covering her lap.

"Why didn't you bring TJ over here yesterday?"

Angela caught Jane's gaze. "Uhm. I wanted you to rest, and TJ has a lot of energy nowadays."

"Ma."

"What? Aren't you glad you got to spend a day without me hovering?" A change of tactics.

"Ma. Stop." Jane pleaded.

Angela did.

"I get that. I do. It's just that I get the feeling it's more to it than that."

"Like what?"

"Like... maybe you were afraid of how I would react." Jane looked down at her feet.

Angela was silent.

"Like... maybe you thought it would be weird for me to see him, after what happened?"

Angela nodded. "Yes, all of those things." Jane hadn't expected to get a confession so soon, and looked up.

"Look. I appreciate it, but keeping my favorite nephew away from me isn't going to help me."

"He's your only nephew."

"Not the point." Jane added instantly, to keep the conversation going.

"I know, baby. I just thought it would be best for you to decide when you were ready." Jane saw the pity in her mother's eyes.

"I would have been ready yesterday. TJ is still TJ. What happened... " she cleared her throat. "What happened to me has nothing to do with him, or how I feel about him." She wiped the back of her hand under her nose. "It would have been really really nice to see him." Jane said wistfully.

Angela hesitated for a few seconds, studying Jane's face. "Then I'll tell Tommy to bring him over the next time he's with him."

Jane's reply was a fond smile.

"Are you absolutely sure?" Angela asked.

Jane directed a curious look at her mother. "What do you mean?"

Angela dropped her knitting project to her lap, and sighed. She wasn't sure how to put this without pushing too much.

Sensing the hesitation, Jane pushed. "Come on, out with it."

"You probably already know this, but when your father and I first got together, we lived in a tiny apartment, a really awful one." Despite its awfulness Angela had a smile on her face. "The only good thing about it was that it had a great view towards the street in the kitchen. I spent so many hours just standing there watching life go by, Jane." She moved her knitting to the table, and went to sit next to Jane on the couch.

"Seeing people walk by, people of all ages, it always made me hopeful for the future. We didn't have much, and I knew Frank worried about that even before we had you. I did too, but I think looking at life outside my kitchen window reminded me of all the wonderful things I could still have, if that makes any sense."

"It does." Jane interrupted.

"One day, a few weeks after…" Angela hesitated. "the miscarriage, I got lost in looking out that window again." Angela chuckled. "I think it was me trying to find hope again."

Jane nodded for Angela to continue, loving it when her mother shared stories from the past.

"Then I saw a young mother walking hand in hand with a beautiful little girl right by our window. The little girl was skipping while her mother tried to keep her in line as best as she could, they were both laughing." Angela turned to look directly at Jane.

"And it hit me. I was so scared, Jane. Scared that was never going to be me. All of a sudden what used to give me hope made me want to give up." The memory brought tears to Angela's eyes.

Jane rubbed her palms together, and ran them across the blanket in her lap. "That was you. Three times. I'm not sure we skipped, but we sure laughed a lot." She smiled at her mother.

Angela smiled back. "It was... but that day all I felt was fear. A fear that didn't go away until I held you in my arms for the first time. And all of it started with that simple moment."

Jane gave her mother a sad look. "I get what you're trying to do, Ma."

Angela nodded. "I just want you to be prepared. It might not come when you see TJ, and it might not come at all... but if it does..." She reached out to squeeze the leg resting next to hers. "I know you have the strength to deal with it on your own, just as much as I did - but you'll also have someone here who understands some of what your going through."

Jane put her hand on top of her mothers. "I know."

Angela gave Jane one more meaningful look, to make sure she was understood, then rose from the couch.

"I'm going to get started on dinner, do you need anything?" She asked.

Jane shook her head. "I'm good."

* * *

After a quick bathroom break, Jane didn't at all feel like going back to those dreadful magazines. She sighed, and reached for her phone on the coffee table. Maybe Maura could keep her mind occupied for a little while.

_How did it go? Did you forget anything? ;)_

The reply came quickly.

_It went rather well, my findings were conclusive, and I expect the verdict to be as well._

_Told ya._

Jane tapped her finger repeatedly on her leg, waiting. Maybe she should have asked another question? Seconds ticked by, minutes even.

_Maura?_

When she saw her phone light up only a minute or so later, she felt her shoulders relax and a smile forming.

_Sorry, Susie needed me for something. How has your day been, so far?_

_Okay. If I read one more article about the benefits of sleep, proper hydration, and everything else I don't get enough of though - I might die._

_It's highly unlikely to die from reading alone, Jane. You could in fact learn something._

_Ha. Didn't work the first two hundred times. And what is it about kale? It's in EVERY magazine I've seen - and that's a lot. Screams hype to me._

_Pay attention to each hype, and you might find yourself a picture of perfect health some day._

Jane chuckled to herself. Sometimes Maura was just so Maura.

"What are you laughing about?" Her mother shot in from the kitchen.

"Nothing, Ma. Just texting Maura."

Jane didn't see her mother shaking her head and rolling her eyes, as she was focused on keeping this conversation going.

_I wish I knew how to groan via text._

_Then I suggest you spend the next two hours finding the appropriate way to do that. :)_

_Challenge accepted! Agghhh._

_I will not be judging your attempts. I have work to do._

Jane sighed.

_When will you be back?_

_Aww. Do you miss me?_

_Will my answer affect how quickly you'll be home?_

_Don't be silly. Like I said, I have work to do._

_So when will you be back?_

_:) If nothing pressing occurs I'll be leaving around 4:30 PM._

_But you started early?_

_I was held up in court an hour longer than I anticipated. I have a few reports that needs to be done by tomorrow morning, and I'd much rather finish them here._

_Afraid I'll distract you? :)_

_I'd much rather spend my time with you than in front of the computer, yes._

Jane sensed Maura's dilemma, but she was busy having one of her own.

_Maybe I can help?_

_Jane. The sooner I get this done, the sooner I'll be home._

_Sorry. I'm just so booooored._

_I know. Work on your assignment, and I'll be home in no time._

_Oh yeah, that. *groans*_

_:) No cheating. I'll see you in a bit, try to relax._

_I will. Type fast. :)_

With that, there were no more replies. Jane left her phone on the table, and went to join her mother in the kitchen, in the hopes she would be able to distract her for another hour or two.

* * *

When her phone signaled an incoming message at 4:20 PM, Jane all but jogged over to the coffee table, leaving a befuddled Angela staring after her. She smiled when she saw the first sentence of the text.

_Leaving now. I have to make on stop on the way, but should be home in about 20 minutes. :)_

She quickly typed her reply, before rejoining her mother.

_Drive safely._

20 minutes later Maura entered her front door, and felt the welcoming smell of a home cooked meal again. When she entered the kitchen and was greeted by two smiling faces, whatever concerns that had occupied her mind throughout the day melted away.

"How was your day?" Angela asked.

Maura came carrying a white plastic bag that she put gently on the kitchen island.

"It was good, Angela. Quite productive."

"As always." Jane shot in.

Maura smiled at Jane, and pushed the plastic bag towards her. "This is for you."

"You brought presents? Aww." Jane immediately peeked inside, a skeptical look on her face when she saw the contours of a large stack of magazines.

"Don't worry. There's not a single beauty tip in there." She took a moment to consider her statement. "At least judging by the covers, I can't vouch for the contents beyond that."

Chuckling, Jane retrieved the top magazine out of the bag, to find the newest copy of TIME Magazine. Rifling through the others quickly she found Sports Illustrated as well as other sports related magazines, a copy of National Geographic and some science related she knew Maura put in the middle of the stack to avoid drawing attention to them. She peered up at Maura with a grin on her face.

"I **knew** there was a reason I consider you to be the **bestest** best friend in the whole wide world."

As Jane rose from her stool, Maura started with "That statement is wrong both grammatically and fa..", before she was enveloped in a full on squeeze of a hug, that nearly knocked the air out of her lungs.

"No no no. Take the compliment." Jane squeezed again for good measure, heard a squeal from Maura, and decided to let her go. Their eyes met. "Thank you."

Maura smiled back. "You're very welcome."

Hesitant to break the moment of bliss, and desperate to be included in it Angela cleared her throat. "Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes."

"Thank you, Angela. It smells wonderful. I'll just go put on something more comfortable..." Maura said, squeezing Jane's shoulder as she made her way out of the kitchen to do just that.

Jane kept her eyes on Maura's retreating back, a fond smile on her face.

When Jane turned back, she caught her mother watching her intently.

"What?"

"So that's what it takes to make you happy?" Angela asked, clearly enjoying the smile on Jane's face.

"Yeah." Jane replied, not really knowing if she was referring to the magazines or the woman who had so kindly bought them for her.


	3. A balanced world

**Author's note**: _This is why I stick to one-shots. Had a chapter in the works, and then I just wasn't satisfied, so I ended up rewriting most of it. If you read your own words enough times, you'll make yourself crazy, right? Especially when butting heads with an English vocabulary that isn't broad enough (the latter being especially hard when writing dialogue for Maura)._

_This concludes this little story of mine, and thank you again to those who've taken the time to read it, and especially to those who've taken time to review. I would still love to hear your thoughts, as I'm always looking for ways to get better at writing (vocabulary included). My mind tends to go in the direction of broadening subjects they don't have time for on screen, so you'll probably never see an original multi-chapter story from me. I hope they keep feeding me enough material to write a few more one-shots though._

* * *

The next few days a silent routine developed. Jane was up bright and early, to be there to send Maura off to work. All three women often shared breakfast together, and then dinner whenever Maura was back from work. Some nights Frankie would join them, which allowed Jane to be caught up with what was going on at the station. After dinner Angela went back to the guest house, after insisting to do the dishes either that night, or in the morning before breakfast. The rest of the night often found Maura and Jane curled up on the couch watching something entirely mind numbing on TV. They would provide their own commentary, and share laughs about whatever was transpiring on Maura's flat screen. Most nights Maura didn't crawl into bed until midnight, but she always crawled into bed happy.

Maura found that this routine they had developed, had made the thought of going home in the afternoon something entirely different from what she was used to. For Jane, the same could be said about getting up early when there was no apparent need to do so.

This particular day had started way too early for Maura. At 2 AM she was called out to a crime scene, and instead of going home to catch a few hours of sleep, she conducted the autopsy on less than 3 hours of sleep, to ensure that the detectives on the case would have something to go on by the time morning arrived, but also in hopes that it would allow her to leave work early. The second Maura made the decision, she feared she would end up regretting it - which is exactly what happened.

* * *

When Maura entered the house around 8 PM that night, she felt an exhaustion so strong she feared she wouldn't be able to get through dinner without breaking into tears. The kind of exhaustion that for someone like Maura had only one cure - sleep. The only problem was that sleep was the last thing she wanted to do. All day, through every new task thrown at her, she had kept her focus on the dinner she would eat with Jane and Angela, the couch she would snuggle up on with Jane, before she would finally be content enough to sleep.

Shutting the door behind her she was suddenly afraid her exhaustion had stole her olfactory sense. The smell that usually greeted her was missing, and put her mind on alert instantly. When she approached the kitchen it was empty. No Angela, no Jane. No smell, no laughter, no smiles. She felt tears building in her eyes, suddenly at loss on what to do. Thinking that perhaps Angela and Jane had gone out for the day, and hadn't been able to get back in time for her arrival, she suddenly felt a sadness creep in. Gripping the kitchen island for support, she took a deep breath, trying to calm herself down.

"Oh. Hi sweetheart, you're home!"

Maura sniffed, wiped her fingers quickly under her eyes, stepped away from the kitchen island and turned slowly towards Angela's voice. Attempting a smile, but failing miserably, she replied. "Hi, Angela."

Angela immediately walked over to Maura, alarmed.

"What's wrong?" She reached out for Maura, but Maura took a step back.

Sensing Maura's discomfort, Angela retreated.

"I'm sorry. It's just been a long day." Maura explained, guilt written on her face.

"Jane told me you left early. Said you left a note. What time did you leave?" Angela gave Maura a sympathetic look.

"Around 2"

"Oh sweetheart! You must be exhausted. Why don't I make you something quick to eat, and then you can go straight to bed. Okay?" She rubbed Maura's arm while observing her, waiting for a reaction.

Maura stared at the stove, and nodded her consent. Angela gave her an encouraging smile.

As Angela started getting things out of the fridge, Maura suddenly got her thoughts back in order.

"Where's Jane?"

She watched as Angela shrugged her shoulders. "Taking a nap."

Everything felt off, and Maura wasn't sure if it was the exhaustion or not. She felt a sudden need to tell Angela not to bother with the food, and head straight to bed. Preferably to cry herself to sleep. The only problem was - that wasn't what she had planned, nor was it what she really wanted. She slumped down on a stool, letting her elbows rest on the counter top again. She went over the day in her head, as she always did the first chance she had once she got home. Over the last few days, that time had often been reserved to the moment just before she fell asleep. She stared at Angela's back, watching her movements as she poured what was ultimately going to be an omelet into a pan.

"Angela. Is everything alright?" Maura noticed how her voice sounded like someone else's. Strained, tired.

As Angela shrugged again, and gave a simple "Yeah, sure." as a reply, Maura's thought process continued. She hadn't heard from Jane all day. No texts, no phone calls. She tried desperately to control the alarm that suddenly arose in her chest, reminding herself that she was exhausted, her body was working on it's own primal instincts.

"Did something happen?" Maura attempted a more direct question.

Angela turned around to face her, her eyes a mixture of sadness and guilt.

"It's been a rough day." Angela sighed.

"What happened? Is Jane alright?" Maura sounded alarmed.

Angela was silent as she turned to check on the omelet. She turned the stove down, and turned back to Maura.

"To be honest, I'm not sure. I know I can be an overbearing mother at times, but really I've tried to keep my distance this time!" Angela almost shouted, clearly defending herself.

Maura sighed. "What happened, Angela?"

"I tried to get her to open up. I just want to help her!" Angela's shouting made Maura flinch. She sensed she was not going to get a specific answer, and right now she had no energy to keep prying, especially if all she got was shouting in return.

"I see." She sighed.

Angela turned back to the stove as she spoke. "She's been sulking on the couch all day. Reading those magazines with a constant scowl on her face. I tried talking to her, to make her open up." She sighed. "I had to force her to eat her lunch, and when I started asking about dinner, she went to her room to take a nap. Sometimes I just want to strangle the stubbornness out of her!"

To Maura one thing was clear. Whatever odd feeling she felt when she came home wasn't just in her head. Obviously the house had been filled with tension while she was away, and as much as she wasn't comfortable getting in the middle of it, her exhausted mind was ready to assign blame.

"Sometimes what we think people need is exactly the opposite of what they actually need."

Angela spun around quickly. "Are you telling me I don't know what my own daughter needs?"

Maura put a hand up, signalling Angela to give her room to finish, and preferably keep her voice down.

"Jane is the only one who knows what she really needs. I know you're only trying to help her, I truly do. And so do I, but none of us..." She sighed, and looked into Angela's curious eyes. ".. none of us knows what's going on in her mind."

"So, I'm supposed to wait for her to tell me then?" She paused, before lowering her voice. "'Cause I think we both know that's never going to happen." She said solemnly.

"You can't force someone to open up, Angela. Especially not Jane." Maura said, defeated.

Angela turned back to the stove, and proceeded to put the omelet on a large plate. She turned the stove off, and set the plate between them on the kitchen island. Taking a moment to look at Maura, she realized now was not the time for such a discussion.

"She wasn't always so guarded, you know." Angela pushed the plate towards Maura.

In her exhausted mind, Maura felt that Angela was trying to make a point of who knew Jane the best. She ignored the plate being pushed towards her, as inviting as the smell was.

"She used to come to me with things. When she got her heart broken, or when she was scared." Angela took a moment to relive those memories, before she sighed. "It all changed when she became a police officer. From that day Jane wasn't just Jane anymore, she was officer Jane, and then detective Jane."

Maura nodded in understanding, while silently wondering what the other Jane must have been like.

"I used to be able to understand her." Angela said. She retrieved a knife and a fork from a drawer, and put them down next to Maura's plate.

She watched Maura hardly noticing the food before her, obviously lost in thought.

"I'm going to call it an early night, take a bath and go to bed. So should you, after you eat that." Angela gestured to the omelet. "I'll clean all of this up tomorrow morning, so don't worry about that." She gently tapped Maura's forearm that rested on the island surface. "Good night, Maura."

Maura looked up into Angela's eyes, finding them tired and filled with sadness. "Good night, Angela. I'll see you tomorrow. Sleep well."

Maura stared at the omelet in front of her. An omelet was usually reserved for either breakfast, brunch, or lunch. Made quickly, quite nutritious, the perfect choice when time was limited. She had never had it for dinner before. She knew it was made with love, with concern, or maybe out of obligation? She shook her head at herself, noticing how her mind was forcing her thoughts down a dark path. Exhaustion was definitely not her friend. She desperately wanted to be in bed, but there was something keeping her from doing so - and it was not the omelet. Sure, she was hungry, at least that's what her body told her, but she had learned not to trust that particular feeling when she was sleep deprived.

She pushed the plate forward, leaving it almost out of reach, and lowered herself from the stool to stand. Her legs felt like they could give in at any time. She went to the fridge, got a bottle of water, and took a long healthy sip. As she felt the cool liquid flow down her throat, and gradually fill her stomach up, she thought of Jane. Jane, who was napping. Jane, who would probably not want to be disturbed. Jane, who she desperately wanted to see before she went to bed. The coldness of the bottle she held in her hand was in stark contrast to the warm trickle of tears she suddenly felt on her cheeks. She set her jaw and closed her eyes, and as she repeatedly shook her head from side to side she was able to stop the onslaught of more tears. Suddenly feeling even more exhausted, she scrambled towards the stool again, sat down and rested her head in her hands.

* * *

10 minutes later the sounds of sock clad feet tapping on the floor slowly seeped into Maura's consciousness. Her head felt heavy, she had been close to falling asleep.

"Hey." Jane's voice was scratchy. Slightly taken aback, Maura didn't move.

Jane approached the kitchen island, and let her eyes adjust to the light. She quickly scanned the area, and noticed an untouched plate of food, an opened bottle of water standing nearby Maura, who was almost leaning across the island, head in her hands.

"Maura?" Jane's voice sounded weak, unsure, and scared. She cleared her throat.

Hearing her name, Maura straightened up, dropped her hands to the island surface, and turned towards Jane. Seeing the evidence of crying in Maura's tired eyes, Jane immediately moved towards her.

"Hey, what happened?" She reached out, not really knowing where she was headed.

Maura shook her head, before further straightening up. She looked to the ceiling as she ran her hands across her face, as if she could remove every trace of exhaustion with her palms. She took a deep breath. "Nothing. I'm just tired."

"Oh." Jane paused, suddenly not knowing where to put her hands. "Are you sure?"

Maura directed a tired smile at her. "Yes. Just tired." Noticing Jane's continued concern, she added "My ability to control my emotional responses are limited in such a state, you know that." She punctuated it with another tired smile.

"Yeah." Jane answered, still hesitant. It wasn't the first time she had been in the presence of this version of Maura, but it always unnerved her. At least there wasn't full on sobbing this time. She shook her head to clear that particular memory from her head, focusing on the situation at hand instead.

Not knowing how to proceed, Jane went to the other side of the island, and eyed the omelet between them.

"Are you going to eat that?"

Maura laughed, suddenly feeling something close to normalcy. "Why, do you want it?"

"Maaaaybe" Jane tried to stay serious.

"We could share?" Maura raised a questioning eyebrow.

"Sure, let me get another plate." Jane turned towards the cupboards to do just that.

As Jane cut the omelet in half and moved one half to the second plate, Maura felt her shoulders relax. She took a moment to watch Jane's face as she concentrated on the task before her.

"Are you okay?" It just slipped out.

Jane looked up at her. "Yeah. I'm fine."

"Are you sure?"

Jane dug up her most sincere smile. "Yeah, everything's good. Don't worry."

As the plate, now containing half an omelet, was pushed towards her, Maura was inclined to believe her. She gestured to the empty stool to her left. Jane came around the island, and took a seat, eager to dig in.

"Long day, huh?" Jane bumped her shoulder against Maura's.

Maura nodded, as she took her first bite. "Long night, followed by a long day."

"I talked to Frankie." Jane started.

"Oh." Maura took another bite, chewing slowly.

"He said you got another two bodies on your table, in addition to the one from last night."

Maura swallowed. "Yes. One was the body of an elderly woman, natural causes, purely routine."

"And the second?" Jane asked.

"Suicide." Maura's voice sounded hollow.

Jane nodded in understanding, a solemn look on her face.

"Frankie came down to see me twice today, actually. He even brought me a sandwich from the cafè." Maura said, keeping her eyes on Jane to gauge her reaction.

Jane nodded, and tried to hide the satisfied grin she felt creeping up. She adapted her best Angela Rizzoli impersonation. "What a good boy!"

Maura chuckled.

They ate the rest of their food in silence. When Jane noticed that Maura was done, she picked up both their plates and put them in the sink. She turned back towards Maura who was taking small sips from her water bottle. Normally they would retreat to the couch at this time, but judging by Maura's posture she was better off going straight to bed. Jane sighed.

"Why don't you go to bed, you really look exhausted."

Maura found Jane's gaze, looking a little disappointed, but understanding.

"Not yet. I need to give my body some time to digest this food."

Jane perked up at that, and smiled at Maura's ability to follow her own set of strict rules even when utterly exhausted.

"So. Couch, TV, and blanket?"

"Yes please." Maura muttered.

"Wine?"

Maura shook her head, declining.

"How about tea?"

Maura considered her options. "Chamomile."

Jane realized that as much as she felt bad for Maura's apparent exhaustion, there was nothing more adorable than seeing her best friend incapable of forming complete sentences.

"Coming right up. Go sit down, I'll bring it right over." Jane said, taking control of the situation.

Maura smiled gratefully at Jane, and went to go sit down on the couch. She draped the blanket across her lap for comfort, but didn't touch the remote. Right now the only sound she wanted to hear was the faint sound of Jane making tea in her kitchen. Maybe the night wouldn't end so differently after all. She focused on Jane's silent hums as she padded around in the kitchen, retrieving various items from the cupboards, smiling at the images she made up in her head to go with the sounds.

"Uhm, Maura? I can't find the stevia." Jane said, standing on her tiptoes peering up onto a shelf where she could swear she last saw Maura's choice of sweetener.

Turning her head to see where Jane was searching, she felt too tired to think of where else it might be, and sighed.

Jane turned to look at Maura in alarm. Like the well-being of her friend was solely relying on the presence of stevia. She quickly scanned the kitchen, desperately trying to think.

"It's okay, Jane. A spoon of sugar won't kill me." As reassuring as that statement might have sounded, Jane was currently on a mission. After a few seconds of cataloging, she opened one of the drawers rather forcefully, catching the "Aha!"right before it was about to slip through her lips.

* * *

Carrying two steaming mugs of tea, Jane padded towards the couch, noticing Maura's head resting against the back of it. As her face came into view, she smiled fondly.

"Just resting your eyes, right?" She whispered as she lowered herself gently to the couch and held the mug out for Maura, hoping that she hadn't fallen asleep yet.

As the smell of tea filled her nostrils, Maura hummed in content, opened her eyes and took the offered mug. She took another moment to inhale the appreciated smell, before she took a small sip. As she swallowed, her eyes grew wide as she peered up at Jane who was watching her intently.

"This isn't sugar." A simple statement.

"Correct." Jane smiled triumphantly, and got a grateful one in reply.

"My hero." Maura said wistfully.

Jane laughed. "I have no idea where that big ass container of yours is, but thankfully I have my own stash."

Maura shot her a questioning look.

"For once my reluctance to substitute sugar worked in your favor, doctor."

Maura opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. She furrowed her brows and stared into the empty air, thinking hard.

Taking pity on her, Jane confessed. "Whenever you bring coffee you leave the choice of sweetener up to me, right?"

"I want you to have options, yes. Even though I know the attempt to lure you into using something other than sugar is useless." Maura shot in.

"I always choose sugar, and I always will. The stevia packet usually ends up in my blazer pockets. And sometimes…" She smiled innocently at Maura who had a feeling where this was going. "Sometimes I empty them in that drawer over there." She pointed towards the kitchen. "You know… if you should ever experience a stevia shortage." Realizing how lame that sounded, she shook her head, and laughed.

"Aww Jane, that's very... sweet." Maura chuckled, and took another sip of her tea.

They sipped their tea in unison as the silence again enveloped the room. Jane used the opportunity to watch Maura out of the corner of her eye, the way she kept the mug firmly between her hands as she sipped - like drawing comfort from its warmth. She cradled her own mug to receive the same warmth, as she got herself more comfortable and slung her long legs on the coffee table, ankles crossing. She purposely slurped on her next sip, swallowed and followed up with a drawn out "Aah."

Maura smiled into her tea, but didn't say anything. Jane did it again, this time louder.

"Enjoying your tea?" Maura asked.

"Mhmm. It's surprisingly good." Slurping once again, she overdid it and had to use her tongue to avoid having tea trickle down to her chin. Catching the last bit with the back of her hand, she bent forward and put the mug on the table in front of them. Sighing, she took hold of the end of the blanket lying between them, and draped it over her lap. She smoothed it out with her palms, and made sure to check that Maura was well covered on her end before she leaned back, resting her head on the back of the couch.

Sensing that Jane was in the mood for something else than silence, Maura cleared her throat and angled her head to watch Jane's face as she stared at the ceiling.

"What did you do today?" She asked.

"Absolutely nothing worth mentioning."

"Okay, let me rephrase. How was your day?"

Jane smiled. "Very... unproductive."

"Jane."

"Maura."

Maura shook her head, she really wasn't in the mood to drag the words out tonight. Deciding to turn her questioning more direct, she forged ahead.

"Did you fight with your mother?"

"No."

Maura closed her eyes and sighed.

"So you had a nice time with Angela today then?"

"Absolutely not." was Jane's quick, but entirely unsurprising reply.

"I see." Maura put her mug on the table, and stretched her legs out to mirror Jane's position. She let her head fall back, and angled it towards Jane again.

"If you want to talk about your absolutely not nice time with your mother, you'll have to use complete sentences. I'm far too tired to interrogate you." She hadn't meant for it to come out so sternly.

Jane turned her head, looking into Maura's eyes. They were questioning, but also demanding. How Maura, in her extremely exhausted state was even willing to sit here and listen to her once again going on about her mother, Jane would never truly understand.

"I think I just wanted to be alone today, that's all." she started. "No, that's not right. I wanted to be woken up at 2 AM to go to a crime scene, so I didn't have to be stuck here with my mother all day."

Maura smiled at her in understanding. "So what you're saying is that you would like to be as exhausted as I am right now?"

"Very much."

Maura laughed. "Well, don't worry. Before you know it, you will be. Then you'll complain about not being able to go to bed early, and being dragged out of bed too early."

Jane smiled. "Can't wait."

Maura chuckled. "Neither can I."

"Aww, so you miss me at work?" She lifted her head to look down at Maura. "Or do you miss me complaining?"

"Of course I miss you at work. Everyone does. The second question holds no relevance, since you never stopped doing it - hence there is nothing to miss."

Jane laughed, and dropped her head back down.

"In all seriousness, you will be back very soon. You're healing quickly." Maura hesitated. "At least physically."

"Yeah, I know." Jane sighed.

"Allowing yourself time to heal in other ways is extremely important too, Jane."

Jane met Maura's eyes, a pair of crystal clear eyes that held nothing but understanding. She smiled appreciatively.

"I wish you'd teach Ma a thing or two about bedside manner."

"Is that a compliment?"

"It is. You see…" Jane turned her head to stare at the ceiling. "Ma has been saying the same thing, just with a lot more emphasis on what I **need** to do, and **how** I need to do it. To the point where I can't stand to look her in the eyes anymore." She gritted her teeth. "She can't seem to decide if she wants to wallow with me, or try to cheer me up. It's driving me crazy."

Maura wasn't quite sure what she was supposed to be getting from Jane's words, but decided to focus on something that might be helpful.

"It's probably extremely hard for her to remain objective, considering she's had a similar experience."

Jane turned to look at Maura. "In her mind it isn't just similar, it's like it's the exact same experience. And that's the problem, because it's not even remotely similar. I'm not her."

"No, you're not."

"It's like she expects me to wake up one day and realize that my life until now has been a waste. To run out and find myself a man, have a gazillion babies and be even happier than she was." Jane closed her eyes. "I mean, it's always been like that, but now it's just ridiculous."

Jane's defenses were up, and Maura suddenly felt willing to exhaust herself to death simply to break them down.

"While it's entirely possible that she's having a delayed reaction to her own miscarriage…"

"Extremely delayed." Jane shot in.

"It's probably also very hard for her to understand things from your point of view, because her point of view, just like yours, is entirely based on her own experiences." Maura finished.

Jane opened her eyes to look at Maura. She sighed. "I get that, but the problem is she doesn't."

Maura smiled. "Well if you get that, then I think it's safe to assume that you have a hard time understanding her point of view?"

"Of course. How can I possibly…" Jane stopped. "But I don't go around expecting her to feel like me!" She threw her hands up to emphasize her frustration.

"Do you really think Angela expects you to feel exactly the way she did?" Maura asked.

Jane took a moment to think about her mother's constant nagging over the last few days. "I don't think she expects me to, but I sure as hell know she wants me to."

Maura sighed. This was indeed exhausting. "Jane, all your mother wants is to be able to relate to you, understand you. Why can't you see that?" Maura's voice reached a higher pitch, frustration seeping through.

Not knowing what to say, Jane became quiet. Maura was looking at her, expecting her to keep the ball rolling, but she suddenly felt like she had taken it too far. In her mind she had taken it even further.

"Maura, I'm sorry. I'm just bored, and frustrated, and… trapped."

Maura closed her eyes for a second, sighing. "No. Finish the thought you just had. Please."

A sadness crept across Jane's features. Maura didn't deserve to be brought into this, even though she was the one who brought it up.

As if once again reading her mind, Maura spoke. "I brought it up."

Jane smiled at her. "You did. Any regrets?"

"None whatsoever." Maura redirected her gaze to the ceiling and stifled a yawn in the process. "Now, tell me what you're thinking."

She looked at her friend for a brief moment, watched her close her eyes, and it made her want to finish this, for the both of them.

"Okay…" Jane mirrored Maura's position, but kept her eyes open. "I know Ma wants to understand me, I get that. I'm just not sure if it's a good idea."

"What do you mean?" Maura asked.

"It's easier said than done, you know. There's certain things she'll probably never be able to understand. Heck, maybe I don't even understand it."

Maura kept quiet, waiting.

"I've always said I'd never have kids, never get married. With the things we see every day…" She sighed. "It's not the kind of world you'd want to expose your children to, is it?" She paused to take a deep breath, and fiddled with the edges of the blanket in her lap.

"I just never thought I'd want to bring anyone into that world. Even if it would just be through me, I just…" Jane felt her voice dropping, laced by a sudden lump forming.

"Then I entertained the thought of marriage, and then… the thought of having a child just kind of happened. Makes you wonder..."

Maura opened her eyes, adjusting her head so she could look at Jane's profile. "Wonder what?" she whispered.

"Maybe she's right, or will be some day." Jane replied.

Maura went over the conversation in her head, but in her exhausted state she was all of a sudden at loss. Jane sensed it from the long pause, and caught Maura's confused expression.

"Sorry, I'm just thinking out loud." Jane said.

"That was the point, although I'm afraid I'm having some issues following your thought process."

Jane chuckled. "I can see that."

Maura smiled at her, and she didn't have the heart to drag her through this anymore.

"Why don't you go to bed, you really look like you could use it." Her eyes were filled with genuine concern.

Maura simply closed her eyes again, muttering "No no. Keep talking."

Jane redirected her gaze to the ceiling, unaware that Maura had once again opened her eyes.

"What if Ma's right? That I'll wake up one day and want something I didn't know I wanted, and regret every decision I ever made in the process. Judging by the last few months it could happen, couldn't it?" Jane mused.

"Mhmm." Maura murmured. "The only constant in life is change. But Jane, do you honestly think that you'll end up regretting what you've spent your life doing so far?"

Jane shook her head. "No, I don't." She didn't even have to think that one through.

"Exactly. So stop worrying about what you might want in the future, and focus on what you want now. Or rather, what you have now."

"Which is?" The moment it slipped out, Jane realized it was a stupid question.

Maura smiled. "You have a job that you love, and excel in. You have a family that loves you, friends and colleagues that love you. More than anything, you have accomplishments. Some of those might have left their marks on you, made you more aware of what an ugly world we sometimes live in. They've also made you who you are, Jane. And let me tell you, you are not a reflection of that same ugly world. You balance it out. And anything you contribute to it in the future, whether through your work or… anything else.." She paused, contemplating whether or not Jane would get the reference. ".. it will continue to do just that. Balance it out."

Jane turned to look at Maura, silently thanking her with her eyes. Eyes that were glistening with moisture of sincerity, but she felt no wish to hide it. Maura took that as a sign to keep going.

"Angela knows all this, she truly does. She's so extremely proud of you, but she's also worried about you from time to time."

"All the time." Jane shot in, feeling the comfort of familiar banter.

Maura's voice carried the tone of a smile. "While I have no experience on the matter, I believe that is considered entirely normal for a mother, regardless of their children's professions. The thing is, she's proud of you. All of your accomplishments, all that you are."

"Are you trying to tell me none of it really matters?" Jane asked, weakly.

"Well, everything matters in the grand scheme of things. I'm simply trying to tell you that as long as you are happy and healthy, that's all that matters to Angela." Maura replied.

"You make it sound so simple." Jane said, defeated.

"Maybe it is." Maura smiled tiredly.

"Not when you're stuck here all day." Jane replied, swallowing hard. She took a deep breath, and back pedaled. "Not here, here. Just, you know. Stuck. Without anything to do." She redirected her gaze to the ceiling, frustrated with herself.

"I know what you mean." Maura said softly. "Thoughts are powerful, and when given enough time alone with them, they have a tendency to grow on their own."

"Speaking from experience, are we?"

"Yes." Maura sighed. "A lifelong experience."

Jane turned again, to look into Maura's tired eyes. "That sounds really, really sad."

Maura smiled. "It's not."

"No?"

"No. I've found that it's been good for me." Whether it was true or she was simply reassuring herself, Maura wasn't sure of.

"How?"

"Even the darkest, most overwhelming thoughts are there to teach you something about yourself. If you allow them to." Maura explained.

Jane chuckled, and Maura looked at her puzzled.

"I'm sorry. It's just.. You always find the positive in everything." She wanted to add something, but decided to let her eyes speak for her.

Maura wasn't sure what to make of that. "Is that good or bad?"

"It's good. Very good." She smiled fondly at Maura, and closed her eyes in the process, as if mirroring exhaustion that wasn't really there on her part.

"Do you want my advice?" Maura felt the need to ask.

Jane opened her eyes, contemplating what she would be getting. She nodded, and kept her eyes on Maura.

"Don't ever be afraid of your thoughts, whatever they may be." Just like her words didn't waiver, neither did her eyes.

Jane swallowed. "You mean even those that don't make any sense whatsoever?"

"Especially those."

Maura closed her eyes again, satisfied with their conclusion and feeling ready to succumb to the needs of her body and mind.

Jane watched Maura, while trying to draw her own conclusion. The woman currently residing next to her on the couch that had essentially nursed her back to health these last few days, was always right. Always. She does indeed try her best to bring something to the world to even out the dreadful things they come across every day, and perhaps that's enough.

In that moment, listening to her best friend's breathing even out, noticing how satisfied and content she looks, she realizes something. Maura, who had exhausted herself by trying to keep the world at balance all day, was one of the main reasons she was even capable of doing the same. She really didn't need anything else right now.


End file.
